The Tyranny of Independence...

...and the Stewardship of Humanness

Several months ago, maybe even a year or longer, I recall having a casual conversation with some female friends - a mix of married and single women.  I'm not sure how it came up, but we got onto the topic of relationships.  More than one woman made a comment similar to - and I'm paraphrasing - you have to love yourself and be content with your own life before you can be in a relationship.

I get the concept - you shouldn't be reliant on another person for your happiness.  I get that the dependence is unhealthy.  I get that you need to have an actual personality and existence and not use other people as an emotional crutch.

I do that I feel that society may have taken this too far.  You're expected to be so independent, so self-assured that no one could ever even conceive that you need anything but yourself.  How realistic is that?  

I'm gonna just say it:  in relationships (including friendships), and life in general, I need things.  I need other people.  I need to feel important to them.  I need to feel needed.  And I need to be able to be vulnerable.  But these things don't make me "needy," for crying out loud.

I am getting a little tired of overcompensating, however.  It's demanding trying to appear strong and in control, busy and fulfilled all the time.  Sometimes I don't even let myself make eye contact.  I probably come across as cold or antisocial.  I'm anxious about showing any deficiency; afraid that this all-too-human condition will come across as pathetic.  So it's better to appear overly independent.  That way no one will be squeamish about my weaknesses.

The problem is I don't think complete self-reliance works very well in relationships.  And denying feelings, well, I'm no psychologist, but I'm pretty damn sure it's not good for me, even if it could be sustained.  At some point, I'll become a sociopath crazy cat lady hermit (hey wait a minute!).  There has to be some kind of balance.  I need to follow a personal Golden Rule - treat myself and my humanness with the respect I want from others.

God made us human, with needs and feelings and gaps and brokenness.  And He made us to be with Him and with each other.  Being with each other in Christ means loving one another, and that can be painful and risky.  But, at the very least, our relationships must be honest.  Letting others know that you have feelings and that you are, indeed, human isn't really a bad thing.  I don't have to let everybody know everything, but why can't I just be genuine, accept myself and have others accept me as well?  I promise to reciprocate.