I'm feeling pretty guilty about not being here as much as I want to be, and about letting work have more say in my life than it ought to.“The acceptance of oneself is the essence of the whole moral problem and the epitome of a whole outlook on life. That I feed the hungry, that I forgive an insult, that I love my enemy in the name of Christ -- all these are undoubtedly great virtues. What I do unto the least of my brethren, that I do unto Christ. But what if I should discover that the least among them all, the poorest of all the beggars, the most impudent of all the offenders, the very enemy himself -- that these are within me, and that I myself stand in need of the alms of my own kindness -- that I myself am the enemy who must be loved -- what then? As a rule, the Christian's attitude is then reversed; there is no longer any question of love or long-suffering; we say to the brother within us "Raca," and condemn and rage against ourselves. We hide it from the world; we refuse to admit ever having met this least among the lowly in ourselves.”
― C.G. Jung
Lately it seems like I have a lot of "obligations" that are getting in the way. When I consider them, I see that it isn't so much that they are obstructing anything, but more that I'm giving them free rein and being lazy about controlling them. Because of my lack of discipline, the first thing that suffers is my God time; the second my sabbath observance. I have fleeting pangs about it and quickly throw myself into other mindless tasks.
What's worse is, normally, Lent is usually so much more meaningful, more contemplative for me. But this year, I really haven't given it a chance to sink in. Maybe it's work. Maybe it's the ankle. Maybe it's just me looking for excuses (or absolution). Plus, I had Burger King on Sunday and stayed up past 11:00 on at least two work nights (unless they don't count because I did actually fall asleep in front of the laptop and woke up a couple hours later to turn everything off). So I've blown both of my goals and need to pick up the pieces and try again.
So, tomorrow evening's study examining forgiveness in view of the cross, should be interesting.
I know that I, like Christ from the cross, must forgive the others who hurt me; who know not what they do. I hope that I can find a way to come to grips with how to forgive myself; who knows all too well what she does.