Little Lent

I like Advent.  I remember how, when I was a kid, our church had an Advent Workshop each year.  We would spend a Saturday moving from room to room in the church - each one filled with the supplies needed to make different Christmas items:  ornaments, gifts, wreaths.  There were crafts for all skill levels.  I'm pretty sure that snacks were involved as well.  I LOVED that day. 

Today I was looking for a pithy quote or graphic to decorate this post that had something to do with Advent.  I started reading some of the text that went along with the pictures I was considering, and learned some new stuff about it.

I didn't realize that Eastern Orthodox and Eastern Catholic churches observe an Advent fast:  Philip's Fast (after the apostle, but only because it starts the day after his feast day).  Philip's Fast lasts from November 15 up to Christmas Eve.  Just as we observe a period of anticipation and penitence before Easter, some also observe the 40 days prior to Christmas.  As a time to reflect, to prepare our souls to be worthy of Jesus' first coming; it's a Little Lent.  Even the vestments and paraments for the seasons share the color purple.

I like the connections.  Lent is a very important season for me.  It's sort of the spiritual center of my year; one where I really get into daily devotions and reflection.  Not that I have to have something official to have that focus or that I can only practice this in the Spring, it's good to have a built in reminder at Advent that i need to take the time and be deliberate about my sacred time.  

Like we wait until Easter Sunday to sing 'Christ the Lord Has Risen Today', perhaps we should wait until Christmas Day to sing 'Joy to the World'.  Rather than try and rush through Advent to get to the "good stuff," maybe we could savor the waiting and pay more attention to the Advent readings, hymns and traditions.  

Just a thought.

Nun komm, der Heiden Heiland,

Der Jungfrauen Kind erkannt!

Dass sich wundre alle Welt,

Gott solch' Geburt ihm bestellt.

Now come, Saviour of the gentiles,

recognised as the child of the Virgin,

so that all the world is amazed

God ordained such a birth for him.

Contentment

Shoot!  It's 11:00 and I haven't posted today.  I had a long day at work and earlier this evening I had the chance to help out a friend.  But after I got home from that, I sat down with my salad and started reading instead of working on this.  And now it's late, so I'm going to cheat a little today and share with you one of the things I read tonight.  It actually is pretty fitting, considering my quest.  It reminds me of Genesis 2, and how God gives humankind everything it needs.  And it makes me think how sad it is to not see that it's enough.

I promise a real post tomorrow.  For sure.

A great teacher once told a story in his preaching about a man who for eight years besought God to show him a man who would make known to him the way of truth.  While he was in this state of anxiety there came a voice from God and spake to him:  "Go in front of the church, and there shalt thou find a man who will make known to thee the way of truth."

He went, and found a poor man whose feet were chapped and full of dirt, and all his clothes were hardly worth twopence-halfpenny.  He greeted this poor man and said to him, "God give thee a good morning."  The poor man answered, "I never had a bad morning."  The other said, "God give thee happiness. How answerest thou that?"  The poor man answered, "I was never unhappy."  The first then said, "God send thee blessedness. How answerest thou that?"  :I was never unblessed," was the answer.  Lastly the questioner said, "God give thee health!  Now enlighten me, for I cannot understand it."  And the poor man replied, "When thou saidst to me, may God give thee a good morning, I said I never had a bad morning. If I am hungry, I praise God for it; if I am cold, I praise God for it; if I am distressful and despised, I praise God for it; and that is why I never had a bad morning. When thou askedst God to give me happiness, I answered that I had never been unhappy; for what God gives or ordains for me, whether it be His love or suffering, sour or sweet, I take it all from God as being the best, and that is why I was never unhappy. Thou saidst further, May God make thee blessed, and I said, I was never unblessed, for I have given up my will so entirely to God's will, that what God wills, that I also will, and that is why I was never unblessed, because I willed alone God's will."

"Ah! dear fellow," replied the man; "but if God should will to throw thee into hell, what wouldst thou say then?"  He replied, "Throw me into hell! Then I would resist Him.  But even if He threw me into hell, I should still have two arms wherewith to embrace Him.  One arm is true humility, which I should place under Him, and with the arm of love I should embrace Him."  And he concluded, "I would rather be in hell and possess God, than in the kingdom of heaven without Him."

Ordinary Talents

I am not in the mood for time or treasure today (don't ask) so I decided to try something talent-y.  I thought, "Let me try one of those Spiritual Gift questionnaires."  That way I can cut to the chase on the talent stewardship goal, right?  The sooner I know my natural ability and capability, the sooner I can get to work and cross it off of my list.  Done and done.  Here we go.

Test #1:  Administration.  Yuck.

Test #2:  Administration.  Srsly?

Test #3:  Administration.  Now you're just messing with me.

Alright, maybe administration means something different 'spiritually'.  Let me take a look at the definitions...

"The special ability that God gives to certain members of the body of Christ to understand clearly the immediate and long-range goals of a particular unit of the body of Christ and to devise and execute effective plans for the accomplishment of those goals....characterized by people who lead the body by steering others to remain on task... concerned with the details of how to accomplish tasks..."

Hmph. Let's try that again...

"The gift of administration is the God-given ability to give direction and make decisions on behalf of others that result in efficient operation and accomplishment of goals. Administration includes the ability to organize people, things, information, finances, etc. Often the mark of an administrator is the ability to accomplish things in a fitting and orderly way."

*sigh*  It sounds like work.   I was hoping for something more fun, like, oh, I don't know, "hospitality".  Or at least something more metaphysical, like "discerning of spirits."  At the very least something really cool and spiritual like "faith." 

And then there are the supporting scripture texts:

Discerning spirits?  Peter in the story of Ananias and Sapphira.  Exciting!

Faith?  The recounting of Abraham's faith in Romans.  Inspiring!!

Administration?   “Suppose one of you wants to build a tower. Won’t you first sit down and estimate the cost to see if you have enough money to complete it? For if you lay the foundation and are not able to finish it, everyone who sees it will ridicule you, saying, ‘This person began to build and wasn’t able to finish.’"  Boring!!!

Well, it's just a quiz, right?  Maybe administration is my talent, and to the extent that it's useful to my church, awesome.  I'm blessed by whatever talent(s?) God has decided I can handle.  But I don't want to stop there. Maybe I have other gifts or talents to offer.  And maybe I don't have to know what they are right now.  I just need to try some stuff and see.  As long as I keep my eyes and ears open for opportunities, I'm sure I'll figure it out. 

But if you have any ideas, lemme know.

"Don't assume you have to be extraordinary to be used by God. You don't have to have exceptional gifts, talents, abilities, or connections. God specializes in using ordinary people whose limitations and weaknesses make them ideal showcases for His greatness and glory."  Nancy Leigh DeMoss

When I Grow Up

Today has been the kind of day that, for no apparent reason, I stop and think about what I want to be doing with my life.  Not in any kind of heavy, existential, angsty way, just more like wondering.  Could I, should I, be doing something else? Something more?  What's missing in my life's Venn?

This morning, I had the pleasure of attending a meeting of the Philadelphia Presbytery.  As opposed to last month's meeting, this one was quite sedate - but still interesting.  During the meeting two candidates presented their Statement of Motivations, and another presented his Statement of Faith.  Now, I'm not saying I have any interest in becoming a member of the clergy, and, to be honest, I wasn't particularly inspired by the Statements.  But I did feel drawn to the world behind the speeches.  To be able to go back to school and learn something besides economics or industrial management.  To be an academe immersed in all things God.  To get credit for learning about my faith.  What a wonderful world that would be.  Sure I could do the reading on my own, but what's to show for it?  I know it sounds crazy, but I miss the lectures, the papers, the debates. Talk about sacred time in a sacred place...  Perhaps it will all have to go on my bucket list.

When I was in junior high, I thought I was going to be a zoologist.  In high school, an artist.  This evening, I'm watching a Chopped marathon on the Food Network, so now I want to be a cook.

By the morning, I'll probably want to be a pony. 

The Stewardship of Slack

Spent a lot of today trying to work out yesterday's snafu.  It's been a long, worrisome day, and things were only partially dealt with.  All in all, it went a little better than I thought it would, though.  I'm so grateful to God (and some others in particular) for the help I've received so far.  I'm still shaky, but hoping my stomach and brain will start to settle down soon, and that I get more than the two and a half hours' of sleep I got last night.  Probably shouldn't have had as much coffee as I did.

It strikes me that it's peculiar how, if another person has a problem, I do everything I can to help, comfort, and encourage them.  But when it's me, all I can think to do is beat myself up.  

Why is it so hard to give myself the grace that I would so readily give?  The bashing, the bullying, the name calling -  beyond the shadow of a doubt this would be considered abuse if I treated another human this way - even my worst enemy. As a Christian, I'm called to love my neighbors (i.e., everybody) as myself.  But when I don't love myself well, how does that manifest externally?  I know that I've been guilty of unconsciously castigating the 'me' I see in my daughter.  Ugh.  I suppose it's pride:  I should be better than this; above making all these stupid mistakes. 

As John Wesley said, "We cannot find any ground in Scripture to suppose, that any inhabitant of a house of clay is wholly exempt either from bodily infirmities, or from ignorance of many things;or to imagine any is incapable of mistake, or falling into divers temptations."  

God has forgiven me for mistakes and temptations so much more heinous than the 'sin' of omission that I've been dealing with.  Why do I think I don't deserve to cut myself the same slack I would cut others?  Just as I don't have to earn grace from God, I shouldn't have to earn grace from myself.  I have to find a way to let the Christ in me, forgive the mistakes made by the sinner in me.  Oh, and love me, too, while I'm at it.

Two Steps Forward...

Yeah.  One step back. 

After a relatively successful day yesterday, I've had a set-back today.  In the big scheme of things, it wasn't the worst thing that could happen,  but it sure wasn't the best thing by a long shot.  It's somewhere in the middle of minor nuisance and insurmountable problem.  I'm hopeful there's a way to correct everything, but I'm anxious.  And there was nothing I could do about it today except freak out and worry.  Consequentially, that's what I did. 

I was paralyzed.  I curled up in an existential fetal position and gave up.  All I've done today is pray to God, over and over, for help, and take the trash out.

So, now I have two challenges:  trying to fix this whole thing tomorrow, and not giving in to the defeat.  It's hard to not go down the path that this is some sort of karmic retribution - like how dare I try to improve my life.  I know it's not; it's merely the result of earlier mistakes.  It's just that it's too early in the process to be able to maintain a victorious attitude.  It hasn't become a habit yet.

I hope I can sleep tonight.  Whatever happens, I believe it will be alright eventually, with His help, and I'll get back on track.  Sometimes you just need someone to hold you and tell you everything is going to be alright.

Tired

Spent most of the day cleaning some more.  Pulling things out and assessing.  Trying to decide what isn't staying.  Got a big bag for Goodwill, and lots of coins in the tzedakah box.  Slowly moving ahead.  Praying it's in the right direction.  I'm kind of wiped out, but still have more to do.  So today's post is going to be a short one, I'm afraid.  Gotta get back at it.  Wish me luck.

Weary In Well-Doing

I would have gone; God bade me stay:
  I would have worked; God bade me rest.
He broke my will from day to day,
    He read my yearnings unexpressed,
 And said them nay.

Now I would stay; God bids me go:
  Now I would rest; God bids me work.
 He breaks my heart tossed to and fro,
 My soul is wrung with doubts that lurk
  And vex it so.

  I go, Lord, where Thou sendest me;
     Day after day I plod and moil:
 But, Christ my God, when will it be
    That I may let alone my toil
        And rest with Thee?

       - Christina G. Rossetti

Black Friday

Giving

I’m thinking today about Christmas and the time-consuming joy of finding the perfect gift.  I actually don’t mind the shopping so much.  I don’t take the crowds, pushing and shoving, and long lines personally, as my husband was wont to do. 

I think that the best thing about giving someone a gift is that you get to express your love for them by demonstrating that you know who they are, what they truly need, what brings them joy.  That you pay attention to them.   A gift is a representation of my affection for, and connection with, another person.  The perfect gift is not one that they’re going to put on their list; it’s the one they may not even know that they want.

Just like the gifts that God gives me.

I believe that one or two perfect gifts beat the crap out of an under-the-tree-load of ordinary presents.  I realize that this isn’t how everyone thinks.  The panic-purchased universal scarf, sweater or gift card are fine.  And appreciated.  Don’t get me wrong, these are great presents.  Frankly, the tree-load approach is the one I was raised with.  And, when I was a kid, it was awesome.  But these days, the gift that comes from being considered, from being taken seriously, from intention, is the most wonderful.  

So, I’m making my list.  I think maybe a couple of the folks on my list might rather have my time over the next year more than anything tangible.  But, instead of rushing out to buy buy buy, I need to sit down and think think think.  Who are they?  Where is their heart?  I relive the past year with them looking for clues.  Often I have to pray for help.  I'm not always successful, so if you get a sweater from me, it's not because I don't love you.  This takes some time.  Don’t be surprised if you see me out shopping on Christmas Eve. 

"If instead of a gem, or even a flower, we should cast the gift of a loving thought into the heart of a friend, that would be giving as the angels give." - George MacDonald

Thanksgiving

Soooo.  Thanksgiving.  The holiday season officially begins, even though Christmas decorations and gift displays have been up since All Saints Day (I'm lookin' at you, Kmart).  I'm supposed to be excited.  Or, at least, contemplative.  So here goes in no particular order.

I'm thankful for my daughter.
I'm thankful for my dad and sister and brother.
I'm thankful that I have a job and a home
I'm thankful that God is bigger than the things that I said were bigger than Him.
I'm thankful to be part of a community of faith.
I'm thankful for friends who speak the truth in love.
I'm thankful that I'm in relatively good health.
I'm thankful for the pastors at my church.
I'm thankful for the NC mission trip this past summer and being able to laugh again.
I'm thankful for the burdens on my heart.
I'm thankful I can pray and worship in public.
I'm thankful for my car.
I'm thankful that I still have hope that things could get better.
I'm thankful that God sent His son to show me how to live.
I'm thankful that His love is enough.

"We have been given possession of an unshakeable kingdom. Let us therefore be grateful and use our gratitude to worship God in the way that pleases him, in reverence and fear."

Wishing and Hoping

I used to read a lot.  Non-fiction mostly.  Primarily philosophy and theology books.  Merton, Calvin, Kierkegaard, Anselm, Plato - that kinda stuff.  Not really the kind of texts that transition well into casual conversation.  For example, last year, Leah and I were on one of our trips with the single parent travel group.  Leah ran around with her newly-made friends and I sat in the lobby with Calvin's Institutes.  Not once did anyone come up to me wanting to talk about predestination.  What the heck!  I mean, it was abridged so it didn't even look that scary. 

You see, for a long time I'd been trying to "find" God.   Then I saw people at my new (at the time) church who looked like they really had it going on.  Especially the pastoral staff.  Yes, I know they went to school for it, but still, I thought that this knowledge would be something at least partially obtainable.  Logically, I thought, the more I read and knew, the closer I would be to God and the better my life would be.   Sometimes I would read 3/4 of a book and put it down for another because I wasn't seeing Him in it - like suddenly He was going to knock me over the head or something.  (I also hadn't been attending church while I was married, so maybe I was trying to make up for lost time by cramming my head full of God stuff.)  But I just couldn't seem to find Him.  Through it all, I kept believing, searching and praying, and I continued to read, even without consolation from God.

Anyway, I haven't been reading as much for the last several months.  Not really sure why.  Well, no, I kind of do.  I got tired of the whole no consolation thing.  All of that reading, and what did I have to show for it?  I didn't feel any better.  In fact, in some respects, I felt worse - even more adrift.  But over the last few weeks, I feel like the part of my brain that had been getting fed is starting to atrophy.  So now that leaves me torn - to read and exercise my mind while needing to steel myself that He's probably not going to be there this time, either.

Regardless, I'm going to start reading again.  Part of my sacred time commitment.  When I was in Maryland last week, I picked up a copy of Luther's commentary on Romans (maybe I'll get a jump on the post-Advent sermon series so I don't feel like a complete idiot).   In the back of my mind I'm hoping that He's going to be there.  Just can't help myself.  This time around, as much as I wish differently, I'm prepared to go it alone. 

Impatience

Well, as expected, I made it just a little over a week before the irritability hit.  I'm tired and annoyed and I want to be at my goals NOW.   I want things to come easily.  I want to wake up tomorrow and find myself closer to God in a neat, simplified home, x pounds thinner, cooking dinner for a friend.  Hell, I'm even willing to give it to this weekend. *sigh*

I envy people who already have it together.  How do they do it?   I wish the most difficult thing I had to do was fill out my pledge card.  Stewardship of God's gifts is a way of life, and no longer something I can think about once a year.  That makes it impossible for me to sidestep or take shortcuts. 

I know believe that God has provided me with everything I need - including the ability to face challenges like this.  Maybe it's the way the world is now - I can't help but want instant, not eventual, gratification.  More like Paul's conversion and less like the year-long (or longer) evolution I need to go through.  I also know believe that, if I don't work at it,  if I don't sacrifice for it, if I don't change for it, if I don't learn from it, none of the transformation I desire will stick. 

Consequently, I'm going to keep plugging away; picking up coins, eating vegetables, purging my house.  Trying to carve out sacred space and time, little by little.  Striving, with the help of prayer, to maintain hope that the road will take me where I want to go.  The end state is so inconceivable that I can't really imagine it. I have to trust God and the process.  To paraphrase a friend, sometimes you have to go to Heaven and work your way back.

"I have not so great a struggle with my vices, great and numerous as they are, as I have with my impatience. My efforts are not absolutely useless; yet I have never been able to conquer this ferocious wild beast."
- Calvin

It's About Time

Last Monday, I started tracking my time.  Then  I lumped things into some basic categories.  Here ya go:

Hope you can ready it.  But, just in case you can't (and even if you can) here is what I learned from the exercise:

1. It takes me a reeeeeally long time to wake up.  Or at least it takes me a reeeeeally long time to convince myself to get up and get out of bed.
2. I spend about 11 hours a day doing work stuff (including the commute, which essentially consists of reading the Metro "news"paper and doing emails).  That's about 60% of my waking hours.  60.  6-OH.
3. The so-called "family time" is really just me being in the same room with Leah while we each do our own thing; drawing or gaming (her), reading or surfing (me).  Occasionally, there is interaction, or at least we stop what we were doing and watch the same TV show.  Somehow I feel a little funny calling it "family time. "
4. I stay up too late.  Sometimes I drop off around 11; mostly it's after midnight.  Sometimes I fall asleep with the TV on and wake up at 2 or 3 to turn it off.  This may or may not have anything to do with learning 1.
5. By the time Sunday rolls around, my brain has apparently turned to cream of wheat.  This may or may not have anything to do with learning 4.
6. Although I spend time during the day praying, and some of my family time reading was theologically-based, I only dedicated 8 hours this week to the work of the Kingdom.  And this was a big week, what with session and new members.  For an average week, it's  more like 3.5.  And when Advent starts (i.e., Wednesday night programs end) it will be down to a shameful 1.5 hours.    
7. I'm wasting my life.

The sweet moments are so few and fleeting.  Whose fault is that?

Tzedakah

צדקה

Today, Leah and I are honoring her father's heritage, as well as starting a new practice in light of the call to give.  We're setting out our new tzedakah box.  Friday night, while we were at the craft store picking up some things for Thanksgiving, we got a chip-wood box.  Leah decorated it.  We wanted to keep it simple - here's a picture...... 

  

If you don't know, the word "tzedakah" (charity) comes from the Hebrew root that means justice, or righteousness.  So, while you may consider this standard charity, it's less about an act of generosity coming from a place of abundance, and more about an act of fairness.  There is no doubt that caring for the poor among us is one of the chief principles of the Christian walk.  It's not just a nice thing to do - it's our obligation.  To be frank, it's an obligation that I'm not so good at.  I mean aside from the occasional street hand-out, I'm not a very responsible giver when it comes to helping those in need.

There are several levels of tzedakah - here they are, listed from least to best: 

• Giving begrudgingly
• Giving less that you should, but giving it cheerfully
• Giving after being asked
• Giving before being asked
• Giving when you do not know the recipient's identity, but the recipient knows your identity
• Giving when you know the recipient's identity, but the recipient doesn't know your identity
• Giving when neither party knows the other's identity
• Enabling the recipient to become self-reliant

Plan is that, as we clean the house, any loose change will go into the box.  Also, and this may be rough considering the time of year, I want to try what I did for Lent.  For any 'frivilous' purchase I make (something for myself that isn't a necessity), I'll set aside the same amount for tzedakah.  This should help me cut down on bringing more stuff in the house, too.  It makes me have to think about what I'm buying.  Anyway, when the box is full, well... we're going to have to figure that out.  Maybe give it to the Deacons' benevolence fund, maybe find a different charity.  Not sure yet.  But, either way, it's getting given. 

I don't think we'll find enough to make anybody financially independent, but it can't help anyone if it's stuck in my sofa cushions.

A Christian Sabbath

Even though we got to sleep in a little this morning, we paid for that extra rest during the day by having to cram all our errands into less time.  After breakfast, we did the usual running around like idiots, interrupted mid-day by a trip to the eye doctor.  Running and doing all the way up to sunset.  It was a busy day, as usual. 

BUT, shortly after sunset, we packed the car and went to our friend's house for our quasi-regular Eat All The Things night.  A bunch of us get together every month or so for dinner; we rotate courses, eat...well, all the things, and then hang out and shoot the breeze for a couple of hours.  It's something Leah and I really look forward to. 

This evening was a little bit different from other EATTs, though.  We decided that we would try to do the "Christian celebration of a Sabbath meal" that was outlined in the Stewardship newsletter.  Our hostess lit candles, welcoming the Sabbath.  We blessed our children.  Our host blessed the wine (and sparkling cider) and we all drank to acknowledge the God of creation.  We shared salt-sprinkled bread to remember God's manna and how He provides our daily bread.   Then, we pigged out on chili and homemade bread (both of which, by the way, were DELICIOUS).  We digested for a while and then, after dessert, we listened to a reading of Psalm 111 and we all said the Lord's Prayer.

It probably was a little less structured or serious than the newsletter intended it to be, but it was still pretty meaningful.  To me it kind of felt like we were inviting God to share the meal with us; more so than when we simply say grace.  There was special effort.  It was intentional.  And really cool.  Especially listening to the voices of my friends and daughter reciting the closing prayer together.  Goosebumpy.  I guess I'm just a sucker for that kind of stuff.

So, home now to rest for the night.  While I would like to continue this "Sabbath" through sunset tomorrow, unfortunately, life is still too busy.  But, for a little while...   

Things That Are Bigger Than God, Part 3

The Void

"I’m not at peace anymore. I just want him like I used to in the old days. I want to be eating sandwiches with him. I want to be drinking with him in a bar. I’m tired and I don’t want anymore pain. I want Maurice. I want ordinary corrupt human love. Dear God, you know I want to want Your pain, but I don’t want it now. Take it away for a while and give it me another time."

Sarah and I?  We're certainly not coming from the same place.  But the dolor in her words speaks to me.  This post - so far - is the most difficult to write.  The most difficult of topics to put into understandable words.  Some of you will likely be offended by this, others confused, still more may not be able to relate at all (my hope).  I may be unable to finish, but I am going to start regardless.

A little over six years ago, I lost my husband to brain cancer.  After the hustle and bustle of the post-mortem duties had passed, my daughter and I unconciously embarked on a new journey.  Evolving routines.  New traditions.  Over time, a gradual acceptance of the situation, if you could call it that.  Every once in a while, a reminiscence - watching fireworks on Independence Day, a balloon and tethered card released on his birthday or Father's Day, sharing his favorite foods, looking at photographs.  Seems pedestrian enough, I suppose.  Everyone experiences loss and the gradual changes that ensue at some stage of their life.  Over a coupla-three years, missing him became tolerable. 

The part I was not ready for was the void.

The void came knocking on my door a few years ago.  The void is not missing the person himself, it's the realization that all the things that went along with the person who's gone, are gone as well.  I wake up one day and realize that where there was love, affection, intimacy there is nothing.  Where there were shared walks and interests, there is nothing.  Where there was a sense of  being special to someone, there is nothing. Where there was an external life, adult conversation - eating sandwiches and having a drink - there is nothing.  

I don't know why the void showed up when it did.  I was making ok progress in the first three years.  Maybe, by putting the weight of the deficiency on my heart, the void was God's way of telling me it was time to let go and move on.  Maybe it's the sense of my own mortality and realization that I don't have much time left for recapturing the things I miss.  Over time, the void grows larger and the possibility of filling the void shrinks. 

And here's the most devastating part - God is supposed to be enough to fill the void, but He's not.  Or at least I have a hard time letting Him be.  When I walk, He's there, and I want to see Him - but I don't.  When I want to talk about something, He's there, and I want to hear Him - but I don't.  When I need to feel a part of something intimate, He's there, and I need to feel Him - but I don't.  WHY AREN'T YOU ENOUGH, GOD??  I am a guilty, ungrateful, poor excuse for a Christian.

I'm not sure what part of the Stewardship challenge can help me with this, but I'm praying something does.

Perspective

I started writing a different post today; another one driven by harsh introspection.  But I'm tired, and it was way too emotionally painful to think about, and my shoulder is really, REALLY killing me (willing to barter - pie of your choice for a shoulder massage) and so all that's going to have to wait. 

Instead I'm going to try and focus on the words in this poem and pray about my 2013 pledge card.   And go raid the first aid box in the coffee room for some ibuprofen.

Also, you should know that, yesterday at lunch I went for a brisk walk AND ate some vegetables.  In your face, getting healthy goal!  Booya!

My Symphony

Rev. William Henry Channing 

To live content with small means.
To seek elegance rather than luxury,
     and refinement rather than fashion.
To be worthy not respectable,
     and wealthy not rich.
To study hard, think quietly, talk gently,
     act frankly, to listen to stars, birds, babes,
     and sages with open heart, to bear all cheerfully,
     do all bravely, await occasions, hurry never.
In a word, to let the spiritual,
     unbidden and unconscious,
     grow up through the common.
This is to be my symphony.

I love that "grow up through the common" stanza.  Wish I could be living that more.

Things That Are Bigger Than God, Part 2

What if.

Freaky 80's hair and clear-as-mud music video plot line aside, Mick Hucknall nails it for me. 

The remarkable power of regret.

The half-hearted desire to move away from the pain of past mistakes inextricably tied to the seemingly helpless obedience to its melancholy grip.  The obsession with self-reproach and nostalgia is a horror movie.  At times it lies dormant, but, like a full moon to the undead, something small, something innocuous will set it off.  The snippet of an old song.  Finding a photograph.  A look from an unknowing friend.

How many days and nights have I prayed to God to deliver me from it?  How many days and nights have I prayed to God to help stop the reruns?  The problem is, I may never have meant any of those prayers.  God has most likely released me from my regrets, but I keep holding on.  I make the regrets stronger than God's power to set me free.

Choices are made.  Hearts are broken.  People come and go. 

What if I had applied myself more in school?  What if I had not given up on my dreams?   What if I told them I how I felt about them?  How I feel?  Is it too late?  Fear paralyzes me.  It's better, I tell myself, to live with the vaguely conceivable "maybe" than with the absolute "no."  I'm not strong enough to deal with this one yet. 

Perhaps in a few months I'll find the silver bullet. 

If a man knows not to which port he sails, no wind is favorable.

Week one seems to be mostly about assessing where I am; understanding the things in my life that are bigger than God and trying to figure out how to subdue them.  Doing sort of a gap analysis.  I guess it's time to identify what the "end" state might look like if I'm successful.   Thanks for the reminder, Seneca.  So here are some goals I'm praying I will be closer to achieving by this time next year. I tried to have something for each of the eight stewardship categories.  It's a pretty big list, even after the honing and grouping. 

Kind of intimidating to see it all together.    

Oy.


Giving:  To give my time and money to the extent I feel able and trust that God will continue to give me EVERYTHING I NEED in spite of myself.

Gleaning:  To be able to have people over to my home. 
I know, I know - this doesn't sound like gleaning, but stay with me on this.  I have a lot of stuff.  Perfectly good stuff.  Too much of this stuff doesn't have a place to live in my home.  This stuff represents the corners I can cut in my life.  I want to go through everything and identify the stuff that makes my life inefficient and take it somewhere where it can actually make a difference.  The stuff finds a good home and my house and my life are free to be filled with the right non-material stuff - friends, fellowship, serenity, love.   It's a win-win.

Sacred Space:  To make my home reflect who I am (and maybe get a nice bookshelf).
This is probably going to sound weird or stupid, but I only use, like, two rooms in the house (ok, three, 'cause you gotta count the bathroom).  Since my husband died, I pretty much come home from work and go right to my bedroom.  I eat there, I work there. Sure, I have a living room.  I have an eat-in kitchen.  I have two other bedrooms.  But I exist in this room.  Which kind of sucks.  Part of it is because I never have anyone over (see Gleaning).  Part of it is because I don't feel comfortable except hiding in the cocoon of my bed.  But, frankly, it's not that comfortable mentally anymore.  It's certainly not sacred; there is no upward connection in this room.  It's confining and stressful.  I don't want to believe that I've become such a hermit that I've turned a three-bedroom townhouse into an efficiency apartment.  I love my church, but I'd like to reclaim some sacred space of my own.  Plus I have a bunch of books that I need to take better care of.

Talents: To do more right-brain stuff and learn how to make bread without a machine.
I used to like to draw.  I used to like to make things for people.  I used to love to cook. It doesn't seem to make sense to do these things anymore, what with being a hermit and all (see Sacred Space). Maybe I can find a way to do them again and find someone to share them with.  Who knows.  

Finances:  To be deliberate about my spending and saving.
'Nuff said.

Sacred Time:  To pray for more than just help; to read my Bible more (and the books on my new bookshelf).
I was going to put a goal in here about meditating, but I just don't know if I'd be any good at that  So I'm just going to strive to set aside time for spiritual development IN ADDITION TO regular worship, Wednesday night programs, small group and the like.  I shouldn't be relying on church as the be-all and end-all of my sacred time.  I need to stop being lazy about it and give God intentional time outside the walls of Media Presbyterian.

The Sabbath Principle:  To be content more often than not; to be healthier.
I really need to slow down and enjoy things more. I need to stop working all the time.  I need to rest and take better care of myself.  I need to be less grumpy and despondent because I'm tired and out of shape.  I need to be strong enough to be able to enjoy the gifts that God has given me and be ready to act if He calls.

The Debt of Love:  To love with passion; to share my faith.
Looking back at the last few decades, there was a time when I wasn't afraid of sharing my faith.  A time when  I was involved and got excited about things - politics, the environment, the middle-schoolers at my church.  What happened to that?  I didn't stop caring, I just stopped trying.   

Ones that I hope might happen by default:
To be a better example for my daughter
To smile more and worry less
To not have to look so hard to see God
To go to a concert once in a while
To have no shame 

TO BE THIS WOMAN.

Things That Are Bigger Than God, Part 1

Inertia

Sloth.  I thought I understood what it was until I clicked through the link on his Facebook page and took a bullet to the heart.  

“Boredom refers to a certain emptiness of soul or lack of passion; acedia refers to the sadness that comes from our unwillingness to tackle the difficulties involved in attaining something good; laziness more generally refers to the torpor and idleness of one who is not inclined to exert himself.  Sloth encompasses all these ideas and more.”

Ouch.  Nailed.  At least 2/3 of it.  No no no no  - all of it.  But in varying degrees. 

I don’t generally find myself bored in the traditional sense, but, aside from bursts of extreme frustration at work, and stressing out at home, I don’t really experience ‘passion’.  When you point it out (thank you very much), I can feel the emptiness.  Even when I get to doing things, if I make the mistake of taking a break, I often need to convince myself that it matters if I get up and keep going.  Chores, the gym, leaving the house, whatever.   Lots of times, I just give in to the blah.

As far as laziness goes, I can generally conjure plenty of energy to do things in an effort to avoid doing other, more necessary, important stuff.  I’m absolutely sure that I’m physically busier when I’m avoiding things than I would be if I were to just do it.   But, hey - as a single mom, I have a built-in excuse to take lazy “me” time.  Everyone says I should do it.  All the magazines, too.  That I need to do it.  That it will make me a better mom/woman/human.  For me it isn’t a bubble bath, or glass of wine, or meditation.  It’s zoning out in front of the quiet drone of the TV with my laptop.  Keeping my head buzzing with distractions so that I don’t have to have any real thoughts.  Many nights I do this until I pass out.  Am I actually trying to avoid engaging in something meaningful?  I’m not sure what I’m afraid will happen if I stop, but over the last 6 years, it’s become a habit.  Like having an annoying roommate that you really should kick out, but you need the extra rent money, and what the hell, he’s the devil you know.

 Ah, but the grief, the danger of acedia.  The good news is that my lack of passion and my industrious laziness keep me from looking far enough into the future (or outside of myself) to see what good things could be attained, or what role I play in that.  The bad news?  Well, from a worldly perspective, it keeps me stagnant and isolated and, eventually, I'll stop caring about myself.  But spiritually, it's damning.  I stop caring about others because I don't want to see that I need to take action.  Or I convince myself that I haven't got the time or energy.  Besides, what difference would it make?  In the guise of being overextended, I surrender my life, and the fate of others, to the bondage of sloth. 

I don't want to take that chance.  The Holy Spirit and my conscience are my weapons.  I just need to let them trouble me into getting up and moving.

"It is not anyone who says to me, 'Lord, Lord,' who will enter the kingdom of heaven, but the person who does the will of my Father in heaven.  When the day comes many will say to me, 'Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in your name, drive out demons in your name, work many miracles in your name?'  Then I shall tell them to their faces:  I have never known you; away from me all evildoers!"  

Salvation

I was going to get all deep today; talk about where I am and where I need to be and how I'm going to get there, but truth be told, I just couldn't think about it. 

Yesterday, I thought I'd start my big year early, by purging and cleaning my kitchen while Leah was in LBI.  I got off to a decent start and plugged away for several hours (can someone please tell me why I need 3 jars of expired Cajun seasoning?).  My intent was to hit the ground running after church this afternoon and keep on going...even though I was up too late last night doing work stuff and up too early this morning doing work stuff.   

I realized I was tired today.  At some point in the near future, I'm going to track how I spend my time - work, leisure, church, family, etc. - but, this morning?  It just felt like 90% work.  Now, don't get me wrong - I am blessed to have my job.  I think I'm pretty damn good at it.  But do I have to be good at it seven days a week?  And when I'm not at one of the offices, or on a conference call at 10:30 on a Saturday night, I'm checking my emails.  There's something wrong with this picture.  I'm pretty sure that this topic will come up again over the next 364 days, so I'm not going to get into it now, but it doesn't take me logging my hours to see that I might be out of whack here.  

So I sat in the sanctuary for the hymn sing, trying to figure out why I hadn't put on waterproof mascara (am I the only one who cries over church songs? gah).  Then it hit me hard.  Stop.  Just.  Stop.  How dare I claim to be worshipping when, mentally at least, I'm only giving God a fraction of my attention?!  I shouldn't have to sit in this pew and worry about when the next update call was or how many days I have to drive to Baltimore this week.  Frankly, it was salvation, at least for the day.  From that point on, the weight was shifted, if not lifted and I tried to focus on forcing myself to relax.  Coffee and a donut hole during the movie didn't hurt.  By the time the second service started, I felt so different.  Not in a huge way, but lighter.  And like I belonged there.  I think the weirdest part came when I was helping to serve communion - normally a somber sort of thing.  It was as if every face I saw in line was a friend and I felt like I was giving each one of them a present in the bread.  It was really kind of bizarre.  It felt like Christmas.  I tried not to, but I couldn't stop smiling.  I'm sure I must have looked like a freaking idiot.  Suffice it to say I was overcome with the Sabbath principle. 

So, after church, instead of cleaning, I took Leah to lunch and then we strolled around the craft sale at the PSU campus.  And instead of reviewing collection policies and reports, we went to our friends' house, hung out, yelled at the Eagles, and broke bread together. 

There was more than a little guilt initially about shirking my duties, but no actual remorse.  This Sabbath thing?  Rest, prayer, family and friends?  It's going to take a little getting used to.

A Little Background

Well, I've already learned one thing about blogging.  SAVE YOUR WORK.   Dang.

So, anyway, a little background on this blog.   

This past summer, while on the church mission trip to beautiful Banner Elk, North Carolina, (seriously.  beautiful.  you should go), I find myself painting a house next to my pastor (let's call him "Bill").  Seeings as how I had already put my bid in to be an Elder, we got to chatting about which committee would be the best fit.  Long story short, there's an opportunity to be the Stewardship Chair.  I say "yes," not knowing what I was getting myself into.

Time passes.                       Stewardship season nears.

I meet with Bill to talk about the campaign and he tells me the theme this year is on living a proportionate life.  Sounds great!  I'm in!  Just let me know what you need me to do! Oh, and PS?  I'm about as disproportionate as they come.  Perfect.  My first gig as Elder and already I'm calling myself out as a hyprocrite.  How the heck do I lead the charge knowing how far off-base I am?
  
Time passes.                       Angst builds.

Last week, the newsletter arrives.  In it a four-page devotional titled, "Eight Days with a Proportionate God."  Wow.  Giving.  Gleaning.  Sacred Space.  Talents.  Sacred Time.  Sabbath Principle.  The Debt of Love.  I read it.  I pray over it.  I occasionally break out in a cold sweat.  I am, as originally feared, so NOT like this.  What am I going to do?  After much more prayer and coffee (not necessarily in that order or in the same quantity), I decide that the only thing I can do is to try and embrace the challenge myself.  Get my priorities in order.  If I can't lead by example, I can at least show them I'm trying, right?  RIGHT??

Now, left to my own devices (and any of you who know me even moderately well can attest to this) I would jump on this bandwagon and ride that puppy 'til the wheels fell off  for about a week.  Ok, a weekend.  Ok, ok, a day.  As long as there wasn't a really good sale at Macy's.  Man, I love me some Macy's.

This is where YOU come in.  In order to stick with this, I'm going to need to have somebody looking over my shoulder all the time (besides my daughter, who can generally be swayed with a box of Pocky or a trip to the bookstore).   Plan is to record the journey here starting this Sunday, November 11th (Stewardship Sunday!  Woot!).  I want to post something daily (perhaps more often if there is something that JUST.  CAN'T.  WAIT.)  Yes, I realize that I will most likely fall off the wagon (more than once) both with the challenge and with the posting, but I'm really going to try.  So let's see how far I can get by Stewardship Sunday 2013.

So follow.  Cheer me on.  Comment.  Forgive typos.  Pray for me.  Ooooor just wait for me to crash and burn.  It's all good.  Hopefully, by this time next year, I won't be ashamed to be Stewardship Chair.

Peace out 'til Sunday.