Happy New Year

I'm still trying to figure out my resolutions.  In the meantime, please enjoy this beautiful prayer from Valley of Vision. 

O my God,
Thou fairest, greatest, first of all objects,
my heart admires, adores, loves thee,
for my little vessel is as full as it can be,
and I would pour out all that fullness before thee in ceaseless flow.
When I think upon and converse with thee
ten thousand delightful thoughts spring up,
ten thousand sources of pleasure are unsealed,
ten thousand refreshing joys spread over my heart,
crowding into every moment of happiness.
I bless thee for the soul thou hast created,
for adorning it, sanctifying it,
though it is fixed in barren soil;
for the body thou hast given me,
for preserving its strength and vigour,
for providing senses to enjoy delights,
for the ease and freedom of my limbs,
for hands, eyes, ears that do thy bidding;
for thy royal bounty providing my daily support,
for a full table and overflowing cup,
for appetite, taste, sweetness,
for social joys of relatives and friends,
for ability to serve others,
for a heart that feels sorrows and necessities,
for a mind to care for my fellow-men,
for opportunities of spreading happiness around,
for loved ones in the joys of heaven,
for my own expectation of seeing thee clearly.
I love thee above the powers of language to express,
for what thou art to thy creatures.
Increase my love, O my God, through time and eternity.

One Goal Down?

Today was a pretty good day.  Got to sleep in a little bit.  Coffee, church, lunch with Leah.  Then a trip to the grocers.  We had another EATT get together tonight, so Leah and I made cookies (from scratch - eek), and I made a batch of banana pudding.

Kind of a bittersweet EATT since one of our family is getting ready to move away.   It's hard to be sad about it for long because of the amazing chain of prayer manifestations that have taken place to get her where she is.  A real-life example of doors closing and opening.  I think I'm going to get her to do some praying for me - it sure seems as though she's got a gift for it.

Also, our wonderful hostess taught us to make bread WITHOUT A MACHINE!  (not counting the oven, of course)  It was a lot easier than I thought it would be.  I was so excited to see it bake and it smelled awesome!  Looked pretty good for a first try - planning to slice it and toast it and make a big ol' BLT out of it.  So that was a start on one of my goals. 

I don't know why, but things seem much more clear, more achievable on a Sunday. I wish every day could be like that.

"Of all smells, bread; of all tastes, salt." -- George Herbert

New Year. Meh.

Here is the thing I dread the most at this time of year:  the "New Year - New You" BS that will soon abound on TV shows and commercials, in magazines, on billboards, on the news.

I HATE it.  Truly. 

I guess it's because I know I need to change, to be a better person, to get in shape, but I don't like to be reminded of it every January.  I feel guilty enough without having to see sales on gym memberships and skin care regimens everywhere I turn.  Besides my long-standing goal of needing to get healthier (that I've been ignoring), I also need to get healthier spiritually. 

Over the last couple of weeks, I've been very lazy about praying and reading; only spending sacred time at church on Sundays.  That was never my intent from this proportionate exercise.  I was supposed to get closer to God and be more focused.  I'm not sure when exactly I lost focus, or why.  I'm feeling guilty about that, too.   When I think about it I get a little nauseous.

I suppose for my New Year's resolution, I should commit to getting back on track.

 

I can't help wishing that the old me was good enough.

Impatience Is a Virtue

Between the flu and Christmas, I've gotten behind on my posting.  I was kind of ok with it, too.  Had pretty much convinced myself that it was alright to take some time off; that it was perfectly understandable to miss posting because of illness, and certainly because of Christmas. 

But now I'm feeling guilty.  I actually was starting to think, "why bother?"  Boy, it sure is easy to get sucked back into being lazy and not keeping my commitment.  And such an innocuous thing to backslide on, too.  It's not like a real sin, right? 

I should be able to keep up with the blog and my day job, and doing the mom thing, and all the running and doing that go along with that.  Especially this time of year - the shopping, decorating, wrapping, cooking, returning.  The myth of multi-tasking.  I think people like over-doers.  Certainly the media does.  We make fun of  aggressive, impatient 'Type A' personalities, all the while admiring the way they are able to get things done.  This breed is praised for its can-do, must-do, get out-of-my-way attitude.  The winner is the one who gets the most done in the shortest period of time.

The dilemma is that we all know that's not a proportional way to live.  It's not good to be too slothful but it's dangerous to be super-industrious, as well.    I still have to find the middle ground.  I admit it's been nice to be able to sleep in a few times this past week.  I have off from work tomorrow and I may do it again.  But, like I mentioned earlier, it's really easy for me to fall back into the old habits that got my life into the mediocre shape I've been trying to crawl out of.  I'm not certain I'm disciplined enough to say "it's just for the holidays."

Anyway, I'm going to try to get back into the daily post habit.  I'm going to try to not make myself crazy if I have to miss a day.

Stuff I Want for Christmas (2)

Yeah.  They don't even need to be in a row.  Maybe in 5 second increments.  Or a couple of 10's - I could do something with that gift.

Of course, it won't mean that the things I take a risk on will work out; that I won't fail.   And, now that I'm taking the time to think about this crazy 20 seconds, I realize that I would use that time selfishly.  

To perform some foolhardy stunt.  But not to invite a friend to church.

To speak my mind at work.  But not to evangelize.

To tell someone what I really think of them.  But not to set aside time to pray.

To say, "I love you."   But not to help a stranger in need.

I've already established that, without significant change, I'm a poor steward of my time (see November 19th).  Maybe I don't deserve that 20 seconds until I can prove that I would use the other 86,380 seconds a day more wisely.

Stuff I Want for Christmas (1)

"Tell God all that is in your heart, as one unloads one's heart, its pleasures and pains, to a dear friend.  Tell Him you troubles, that He may comfort you; tell Him your joys, that He may sober them; tell Him; tell Him your longings, that He may purify them; tell Him your dislikes, that He may help you to conquer them; talk to Him of your temptations, that He may shield you from them; show Him the wounds of your heart, that He may heal them; lay bare your indifference to good, your depraved tastes for evil, your instability.  Tell Him how self-love makes you unjust to others, how vanity tempts you to be insincere, how pride disguises you to yourself as others.  If you thus pour out all your weaknesses, needs, troubles, there will be no lack of what to say.  You will never exhaust the subject,  It is continually being renewed.  People who have no secrets from each other never want for subjects of conversation.  They do not weigh their words, for there is nothing to be held back; neither do they seek for something to say.  They talk out of the abundance of the heart, without consideration, just what they think.  Blessed are they who attain to such familiar, unreserved intercourse with God."   -- François Fénelon

I have a few people who know bits and pieces about my life; my history, what's in my head these days, but no one actually knows my full story in all its gory details.  It's like they're the interpreters in that Monty Python skit about the funniest joke in the world (it's down there at the bottom - you should watch it).  I would really like to have someone in my life who knows it all, and doesn't judge me (out loud) or run away.  I mean besides God.  Who judges me.  And that's cool. 

But I digress.  What I mean to say is, how great would it be to have someone who knows all the back stories and can put things in context?  And to be that person for another.  To have someone else to understand, to maybe see patterns.  Someone with whom I wouldn't have to edit the things I say.  And someone who can be comfortable enough in silence, as well.

I can, and do, have this kind of relationship with God, but since He doesn't reply, it's not very satisfying (yeah, I know, I'm not supposed to feel that way).  I am glad I feel safe enough to say anything to Him. 
 
Anyway, it's on the list this year.

Birthday Party, Cheesecake, Jelly Bean, Boom

On one hand, I'm glad that the world didn't explode under a barrage of flaming meteors today.  On the other hand, what would be so bad about going to Heaven?  I'm sure most people would disagree with me; but why would you not want to die and go to Heaven?  It's clear to me that getting there is the ultimate reward, so why the hesitation? 

It's funny how in earthly pursuits, the faster we get to the reward, the better.  Why should I need to wait for 10 years before I get another week of vacation?  When am I getting that promotion?   I need to upgrade my laptop / car / phone / house / relationship NOW.  So what's the deal with prolonging the journey to the best thing ever?

Maybe it's that whole dying part.  I remember the long nights of teenaged angst; adult days when things couldn't get worse; times when I was just done with life,  Let's say there have been some pretty dark times and leave it at that.  As a Christian, I have to cope with the guilt from having these unappreciative thoughts.  And there is always that underlying fear of getting the "I'll give you something to cry about" whammy. 

It's corny, but I suppose the bottom line is hope.  The hope that things will be redeemed, the hope that the dark times don't last forever, the hope that everything works itself out in the end, that love wins.

It is when all confidence in yourself or in human support, and also in God in an immediate way, is extinct, when every probability is extinct, when it is dark as on a dark night—it is indeed death we are describing—then comes the life-giving Spirit and brings faith. -- Søren Kierkegaard

A Little Better

I'm still feeling crappy.  Fever is gone, but still have cough and now sneezing some.   I tried to nap when I got home from a miserable day at work and so now I'm wide awake.  Thinking I'll take some Nyquil and try and sleep some again.  Real post tomorrow, God willing.  In the meantime, here is one of my favorites from C. S. Lewis.

"Imagine yourself as a living house. God comes in to rebuild that house. At first, perhaps, you can understand what He is doing. He is getting the drains right and stopping the leaks in the roof and so on; you knew that those jobs needed doing and so you are not surprised. But presently He starts knocking the house about in a way that hurts abominably and does not seem to make any sense. What on earth is He up to? The explanation is that He is building quite a different house from the one you thought of - throwing out a new wing here, putting on an extra floor there, running up towers, making courtyards. You thought you were being made into a decent little cottage: but He is building a palace. He intends to come and live in it Himself."

Oy

This is going to be pretty short (shorter than usual).  This morning on the train I noticed that I had a slight tickle in the back of my throat.  Right now, I have achy anything-that bends, a bit of a chill (well, I did just turn the heat on about half an hour ago...) and a burning sensation on and off in my chest.  Just got back from the drug store with a bunch of OTC junk and a thermometer.  100.3 - that's not too bad, right?

I was going to post something about the body being a temple and all that, but I don't actually interpret 1 Corinthians 3 that way.  And since I don't really know enough to remark on it in any scholarly fashion, I think I need to stop here for now with any Biblical exposition.

So bad news - feeling crappy and don't have vacation time left.  Good news - I have about a  week to get over whatever it is before Christmas Eve (and my office has a door so I can self-quarantine if I need to).  Last Christmas Eve, I had laryngitis.  There is nothing worse (go with me, I know it's hyperbolic) than not being able to sing your favorite carols in church on Christmas Eve.  I managed to squeak my way through, but it sucked.

Praying that it all goes away overnight so I don't need to use the remaining vacation I had reserved for Boxing Day.  And that the kid doesn't get it.

Your prayers gratefully accepted.  Thanks.

Reflections on Another Birthday

I don't know exactly where I thought I'd be at 54, but I'm pretty sure this wasn't what I had in mind.  Doing the single mom thing - nope.  She's a good kid (must be from her father's side), so overall I suppose I'm lucky enough.  And, as others are so quick to point out to me, it could be worse. 

Anyway, here are ten things I've learned (or have been reminded of) this past year about life in general. 

Take it or leave it. 

1. Do your best to set clear expectations, but don't be an ass when you're doing it.  Not everything has to be a federal case.
2. People are going to hate/ignore/love/be offended by you, your words, or something you do at some point.  Try not to take it personally.  And when you do take it personally, try not to let on that you have.  
3. Sometimes life is just hard and there's not a damn thing you can do about it. 
4. People will often let you down.  Sometimes they mean to; sometimes they don't.
5. You should have someone to grow old and out of shape with.
6. In lieu of having someone to grow old with, you can sometimes make do with a cat.  Or a pile of books.  
7. God will provide the things you need; not to be confused with the things you want.
8. If you get a second chance, try not to screw it up.
9. When you start to think too highly of yourself, someone will always take the time to make sure you know that you are not 'all that'.
10. Whether you believe it or not (and whether you want it or not) God is around.

 

 

 

 

 

Sweet Dreams

Early this morning, I had a dream.  It was a short one.  No super powers.  No free-falling,  No showing up naked at school.  An event out of context.  Just a fragment of what could be a sweet, ordinary story line.  Except for the fact that it was happening to me.  At first, I felt kind of happy or encouraged by the dream.  But as the day wore on and reality dug its heels in, I just felt more and more sad. 

Sometimes I wonder about dreams.  Probably they're just the manifestation of some repressed guilt or bottled-up longing.  But maybe God can send a message through them.  Well, He can do anything; I guess what I meant is that He may use them to speak.   If He did, I'd probably misunderstand it anyway.

Reflecting on the improbable dream led me to wonder if God still talks to humans at all - in dreams or otherwise.  Like He did to Zechariah.  To Mary and Joseph.  To Paul.  

I wonder how some people seem to know exactly what they're supposed to do and what God's purpose for their life is. Like they've got the inside track; the Holy Spirit whispering in their ear or something.  

Why not me?

Denial

Prayer is the only thing I can think of to do today in reaction to yesterday's tragedy.  Maybe a real post tomorrow. :(


When my devotions could not pierce
Thy silent ears;
Then was my heart broken, as was my verse:
My breast was full of fears
And disorder:

My bent thoughts, like a brittle bow,
Did fly asunder:
Each took his way; some would to pleasures go,
Some to the wars and thunder
Of alarms.

As good go any where, they say,
As to benumb
Both knees and heart, in crying night and day,
Come, come, my God, O come,
But no hearing.

O that thou shouldst give dust a tongue
To cry to thee,
And then not hear it crying! all day long
My heart was in my knee,
But no hearing.

Therefore my soul lay out of sight,
Untuned, unstrung:
My feeble spirit, unable to look right,
Like a nipped blossom, hung
Discontented.

O cheer and tune my heartless breast,
Defer no time;
That so thy favors granting my request,
They and my mind may chime,
And mend my rime.      

The Burden of Abundance

Earlier today I was reading a social network post from a food celebrity that began with these words:  "A time of year full of decadence and delight..."

Ok, so I have nothing against delight - it rocks.  To me, delight is kind of a surprising, sudden, breath-taking burst of rapture (occasionally accompanied by squeals and/or hopping).  What's not to love about that?  But the word 'decadence' has gotten stuck in my craw and I can't shake it.  Here is the definition from dictionary.com:

dec·a·dence  noun
1.  the act or process of falling into an inferior condition or state; deterioration; decay
2.  moral degeneration or decay; turpitude
3.  unrestrained or excessive self-indulgence

Now, I'm sure that she didn't mean it in a bad way.  I'm sure she was trying to reflect the fun, over-the-top richness that generally marks the celebration of the holiday season.  The groaning sideboards, generous piles of gifts, lavish parties, opulent decorations coalesce into what seems to be the perfect Christmas.

I'm not decrying these traditions.  And I'm not going to sit here and tell you not to enjoy the time of year, or be so bold as to assume that I need to raise your awareness of the needs in our community and the true meaning of Christmas.  I just want to state the other obvious truth:  that you don't need all of this to experience joy.  I don't know that I really believed that until I started this exercise and assessed my life and how much I really have.  Or how much it weighs me down, like Marley's chains and cash-boxes.

`Forgive me if I am not justified in what I ask,' said Scrooge, looking intently at the Spirit's robe,' but I see something strange, and not belonging to yourself, protruding from your skirts. Is it a foot or a claw.'

`It might be a claw, for the flesh there is upon it,' was the Spirit's sorrowful reply. `Look here.'

From the foldings of its robe, it brought two children; wretched, abject, frightful, hideous, miserable. They knelt down at its feet, and clung upon the outside of its garment.

`Oh, Man. look here. Look, look, down here.' exclaimed the Ghost.

They were a boy and a girl. Yellow, meagre, ragged, scowling, wolfish; but prostrate, too, in their humility. Where graceful youth should have filled their features out, and touched them with its freshest tints, a stale and shrivelled hand, like that of age, had pinched, and twisted them, and pulled them into shreds. Where angels might have sat enthroned, devils lurked, and glared out menacing. No change, no degradation, no perversion of humanity, in any grade, through all the mysteries of wonderful creation, has monsters half so horrible and dread.

Scrooge started back, appalled. Having them shown to him in this way, he tried to say they were fine children, but the words choked themselves, rather than be parties to a lie of such enormous magnitude.

`Spirit, are they yours.' Scrooge could say no more.

`They are Man's,' said the Spirit, looking down upon them. `And they cling to me, appealing from their fathers. This boy is Ignorance. This girl is Want. Beware them both, and all of their degree, but most of all beware this boy, for on his brow I see that written which is Doom, unless the writing be erased. Deny it.' cried the Spirit, stretching out its hand towards the city. `Slander those who tell it ye. Admit it for your factious purposes, and make it worse. And abide the end.'

`Have they no refuge or resource?' cried Scrooge.

`Are there no prisons?' said the Spirit, turning on him for the last time with his own words. `Are there no workhouses?' The bell struck twelve.

Joy Is a Choice

Tonight's post is a cheater one because my shoulder's sore from all the cleaning yesterday.  But it reminds me that God's given me the freedom of choice; to make joy or despair from the circumstances of my life.

To Build a Swing

You carry

All the ingredients

To turn your life into a nightmare --

Don't mix them!

You have all the genius

To build a swing in your backyard

For God.

That sounds

like a hell of a lot more fun.

Let's start laughing, drawing blueprints,

Gathering our talented friends.

I will help you

With my divine lyre and drum.

Hafiz

Will sing a thousand words

You can take into your hands,

Like golden saws,

Silver hammers,

Polished teakwood,

Strong silk rope.

You carry all the ingredients

To turn your existence into joy,

Mix them, mix

Them!

The Unbearable Lightness of Cleaning

Carved out some more sacred space today.   I took the day off from work today because the heater guy was coming to inspect the old girl.  (She passed, thank God).  Got a bunch of bags out - trash and donations.  Would have done more but the vacuum cleaner tried to eat my sneaker, and now the beater bar isn't beating.  Yay.  I hope that I will be able to get more out of here before Christmas - once the tree comes in next week, it gets harder to work around.

Yet, little by little, it's coming together.  Still have a looooong way to go to reach my goal, but it's coming together.  And the weird thing is, now, when I go into my kitchen or laundry room, I don't feel as claustrophobic.  I find it's easier to breathe; that the rooms feel lighter somehow.  I actually feel like I could cook a meal that involves more than the microwave, and I don't dread doing laundry (as much - because, let's be serious, it's laundry.  yuck).

I'm curious to see if this is just a temporary high from inhaling Formula 409 being able to see the floor next to the dryer, or having lids for all of my containers.  What if it gets better the emptier my house gets?  Sweet.  I've got this fleeting glimpse of a day when I can come home from work, sit in the recliner and study WITHOUT GUILT. Maybe even have a glass of wine.   It's almost enough to keep me going - the thought of conquering this self-imposed barricade between me and the future.

Maybe by uncluttering my home, I can unclutter my heart and make more room for God.  Wish me luck.

“The time came for Mary to be delivered. And she gave birth to her first- born Son and wrapped Him in swaddling clothes, and laid Him in a manger, because there was no room for them in the inn. These words touch our heart every time we hear them [because] in some way mankind is awaiting God, waiting for Him to draw near.

But when the moment comes there is no room for Him. Man is so preoccupied with himself, he has such urgent need of all the space and all the time for his own things, that nothing remains for others – for his neighbor, for the poor, for God. And the richer men become, the more they fill up all the space by themselves. And the less room there is for others.” – Pope Benedict XVI

Stewardship of the Season

I've been thinking about yesterday's post and trying to analyze why I have such a hard time with this time of year.

I could blame it on being alone.  I could blame it on the usual and expected excuse of losing my husband, and not long after that, my mom.  I could blame it on not seeing the sun - leaving for work and coming home in the dark.  I could blame it on our society's propensity to market Christmas and New Year's Eve to the extent that holiday expectations could never realistically be met.

The bottom line is that, over the years, it's probably an accumulation of those and more.  See video below... 

 

What does this have to do with stewardship?  I think that I have a responsibility to be a steward of the season.  To be crabby, or withdrawn, or basically appear like I'm ignoring the whole thing?  What message am I putting out there?   That I defer Christmas to the whims of the aforementioned marketers.  It's my job to reflect the long-term joy of the season, the coming of Christ and God's gift of salvation.  To bah humbug my way through the next month basically says that advertisement trumps the Word.

So I'll be trying to accept and cling to the promise of joy that the season represents.  Or at least fake it til I make it.

Joy, Maybe

Struggling this past week or so on how I'm going to approach the upcoming holidays.

Generally, at this time of year, I have a tendency to withdraw some.  Which is fine I suppose.  It's kind of become a preemptive strike against Christmas parties.  Although that's one of the perks of being a widow - I've noticed that people seem to get funny (though they probably won't admit it or even realize it) about asking an older single person to a dinner or party - it makes it awkward having an odd (wo)man out.  Inviting couples, married or otherwise, is much simpler; as host/ess, you don't have to worry about making sure everyone is entertained, since they will have a built-in buddy to talk to. (Frankly, the host isn't the only one worried about feeling awkward in this situation.)  Of course, it may just be me (or my personality at least; I know I make a crappy first impression) and have nothing to do with the odd/even thing.  A distinct possibility.  But, I can tell you, I went to a lot more things when I was part of a duo.  Still, maybe it's a coincidence.  Any other older single people out there can chime on in here.

The other thing is, so I'm Christmas shopping...looking for some items for my sister and daughter, but clothing choices this time of year mostly are all sparkly/date-y/party things.  Even t-shirts and sweaters, for crying out loud. Sequins, beading, ruffles, that kind of thing.  Very distracting.  There have been times where I've found myself almost buying one, but I generally come to before I hit the register.  *phew*  I admit I do have a couple things that have some shine on them, cause I think they're pretty, but I readily accept the fact that they will be in third-string circulation.  It's hard to keep a low profile in glittery clothes, anyway.

And then there are the TV specials and Hallmark commercials. Just about everything out there is screaming, "YOU MUST BE HAPPY OR THERE IS SOMETHING WRONG WITH YOU."  Sheesh.

So, regardless, it would be pretty easy for me to just go with the usual withdrawal thing again this year - it's a comfortable, safe place to be.  It's just not all that much fun.  And I really like fun.  I think I need to rethink what joy means, too.  I don't have to be a social butterfly to experience Christmas cheer.  Maybe this year I'll try to embrace it instead of avoiding it and see what happens. 

I'll let you know what I decide.

PS. Yes - I know I didn't post yesterday (did you notice?).  By the time I was ready to last night, the Internet disappeared.  So sue me.

Saturday

I'm angry tonight.  For no apparent reason. 

Today was a pretty decent day, except that I only got about four hours of sleep last night.  Had a nice lunch with friends and went to a play, then to a Christmas cantata performance at another church.  Finally home.

Then I remembered that I had to wrap all of the angel tree gifts.  And of course I ran out of tape.   After digging through the house I found another roll and got that done.  Then I needed to get clothes ready for tomorrow and, don't you know it, there's sweater fuzz ALL over my black skirt.   Of course I couldn't find the lint brush.  At least I had some tape now, but, jeez, do you have any idea how long it takes to de-lint a skirt with scotch tape??  And now it's quarter to eleven and I haven't even thought of one even remotely interesting thing to say here. 

So I'm angry.  Or at least frustrated.  Irritated.  Annoyed.

I know the things that set me off are ridiculous; that I should be cheerful and grateful for all I have and stop whining about my "first world problems," but I can't help it right now.  Or at least I don't want to.  For my detox, I suppose I ought to try and pinpoint where this is coming from so that I can name it and control it and move on.  But this is a slippery slope.  When I get like this everything I think of makes me feel worse.  Like why bother?  I just want to give up.

Maybe it's because I'm tired.  That would be the best case scenario.  Or maybe none of this really matters and I'm just trying to process it.  Either way, I'm going to bed.

Prayer of Peace

Almighty and merciful God, Father of all men, Creator and ruler of the universe, Lord of all history, whose designs are without blemish, whose compassion for the errors of men is inexhaustible, in your will is our peace.Mercifully hear this prayer which rises to you from the tumult and desperation of a world in which you are forgotten, in which your name is not invoked, your laws are derided and your presence is ignored. Because we do not know you, we have no peace.

From the heart of an eternal silence, you have watched the rise of empires and have seen the smoke of their downfall. You have witnessed the impious fury of ten thousand fratricidal wars, in which great powers have torn whole continents to shreds in the name of peace and justice.

A day of ominous decision has now dawned on this free nation. Save us then from our obsessions! Open our eyes, dissipate our confusions, teach us to understand ourselves and our adversary. Let us never forget that sins against the law of love are punishable by loss of faith, and those without faith stop at no crime to achieve their ends!

Help us to be masters of the weapons that threaten to master us. Help us to use our science for peace and plenty, not for war and destruction. Save us from the compulsion to follow our adversaries in all that we most hate, confirming them in their hatred and suspicion of us. Resolve our inner contradictions, which now grow beyond belief and beyond bearing. They are at once a torment and a blessing: for if you had not left us the light of conscience, we would not have to endure them. Teach us to wait and trust.

Grant light, grant strength and patience to all who work for peace. But grant us above all to see that our ways are not necessarily your ways, that we cannot fully penetrate the mystery of your designs and that the very storm of power now raging on this earth reveals your hidden will and your inscrutable decision.

Grant us to see your face in the lightning of this cosmic storm, O God of holiness, merciful to men. Grant us to seek peace where it is truly found. In your will, O God, is our peace.

Amen. 

--Thomas Merton, 1962

Ask and You Shall Receive

I was thinking on the way home from work today (scary) of all the things I've asked God for over the last few days/weeks/months/years and wondering why He's never answered any of those prayers.  So I reviewed the most frequent ones and made a note of what I prayed for (WIPF) and how God answered (HGA).

WIPF:  I wish I could clean this stuff out of my house.  

HGA:   There are plenty of needy people who could really use your excess, plus you have a friend with a truck and weekends off.  Are you saying that you don't care enough about helping your neighbor to give up some of your spare time?

WIPF:  Help me lose weight and get in better shape  

HGA:   I made you different plants to eat; try them. I gave you a perfectly good body - get up and move. 

WIPF:  Ugh - these wrinkles.  I wish I didn't look so old.

HGA:   Those wrinkles are a mark of your experience and your years of walking with me.  Appreciate them.  And use sunscreen.

WIPF:  I miss being in a relationship  

HGA:   You have friends, and I'm always here, too. And if you like someone, I gave you a voice.  Use it.

WIPF:  I'm so tired all the time. Give me some energy.                        

HGA:   You know you can turn off the TV before 1, right?  But if you can't sleep, talk to me.  I can help. 

WIPF:  I wish I didn't make so damn many mistakes.     

HGA:   I forgive you.  Here's another new day. 

I guess the bottom line is, God answers me just like I answer (or should answer) my kid.  Sure He could give me everything I ask for, but I would just take it for granted.  I would recognize that He's already given me everything I need if I would just stop and use the common sense He also gave me.   I get it.  For now.  And I swear I've learned something, so how about it God - throw me a bone. 

Obsession

You probably don't know this (or care), but one of my favorite books / movies is Moby Dick.  It's almost required annual summertime reading.  There's something about Melville's dark epic that gets to me.  Ahab's obsession with the whale and his willingness to sacrifice everything and everyone simultaneously scares me and, in some way, inspires me.  Plus, hey - Gregory Peck - am I right?

Ahab's pathological idée fixe seals the Pequod's fate; its doom is inevitable.  His colossal hubris leads him to defy rational thought and believe that he can exert his will and remain invulnerable to natural forces. His quest to kill the whale is elevated from mere revenge.  Ahab relentlessly pursues the whale because he believes he is ordained to destroy the evil that his mind has twisted it into representing.  He is a man possessed.

Ok so where am I going with this? 

Well, I guess what it is I admire (for lack of better word) about the inherently unlikeable and frightening sociopath that is Ahab, is his singularity of purpose.  His drive. Insane as it is, this man has a goal in life that he is determined to achieve.  I think I would like to know God's path and purpose for me so that I could set a life goal like that.   Without destroying everything around me, of course.

And unfortunately, I am like him in my tendency to sort of anthropomorphize things/events/life in general as good or evil when, in reality, these things just are what they are.  Like Ahab, I project my reactions and emotions on them and give them power that they obviously can't really have.  I know.  It sounds weird.  The thought that my life is 'bad', like the whale being evil, takes culpability out of the picture.  But I don't obsess about it...well, yes, I sort of do sometimes.

Anyway, as far as stewardship goes, there are two things I learn from this:  1) the whale life is not out to get me, so I should just relax, and 2) find something to be passionate about. 

A Martha Kind of Day

Another long day.  Got up early and worked late.  Ran multiple errands afterwards and made two batches of brownies for tomorrow's small group.  Some dishes and tidying.  Dinner at 8 (not as glamorous as it sounds).  Then more work-work and a spirited chat with the Amazon.com help desk.  And ironing. 

It's days like this where I wonder how I keep up with anything.  But it's better to have work to do and to be able to do it, I suppose.  The good news is at least some of it was stuff in line with one proportional goal or another.   Bad news is, I didn't leave any time for any thinking or relaxing or praying tonight.  When I finally got to sit down and work on this a little while ago, I made the mistake of reading and lost track of the little bit of time I had left in the day.  Overall, I was a poor steward of my time.  So I'm going to share one of the poems I read tonight and go to bed.  I can pray there before I sleep.

Maybe I should have been less Martha and more Mary today. 

(And yes, I know it's after midnight now but I'm still counting this for Tuesday.)

You Are There -- Rumi

You’re inside every kindness.  When a sick

person feels better, you’re that,

and the onset of disease too.  You’re sudden,

terrible screaming.  Some problems require

we go for help.  When we knock on a stranger’s

door, you sent us. Nobody answers. It’s

you!  When work feels necessary, you

are the way workers move in rhythm.

You are what is:  the field, the players,
the ball, those watching.  Someone claims to

have evidence that you do not exist.
You’re the one who brings the evidence in,

and the evidence itself.  You are inside

the soul’s great fear, every natural

pleasure, every vicious cruelty.  Someone

loves something, someone else hates

the same.  There you are.  Whatever anyone

wants or not:  political power, injustice,

material possessions, those are your script,
the handwriting we study.  Body, soul,

shadow.  Whether reckless or careful,
you are what we do.  It’s absurd to ask

your pardon.  You’re inside repentance,

and sin!  The wonder of various jewels,

agate, emerald.  How we are during a day,

then at night, you are those moods and

the pure compassion we feel for each

other.  Every encampment has a tent

where the leader is, and also the wide
truth of your imperial tent overall.

An Advent Detox

"Advent then is a time for judging the choices we make in how we are living our lives.  Advent is a ritual moment for confronting discomforting truths. It catches us in the act of living unconnected from the Gospel..." -- Advent and Christmas (Bridges to Contemplative Living with Thomas Merton), The Merton Institute for Contemplative Living

Detox - where a system is returned to normal after becoming used to living with unhealthy substances. 

I need one of these on my spiritual plane.  Not that I don't make more than my fair share of physically unhealthy choices, but this is in addition to trying to fix that diet and exercise deficiency.  I think that I need cleansing from my addiction to negativity.  I suffer from a decline in my ability to produce well-being cells because my generic despondency is choking them out.  

Now, before you jump to any conclusions, you should know that I've been like this for a long, long time.  Heck, when I was in high school, my mother continually threatened to send me to charm school.  I'm sure she got sick of seeing me walk around with my arms crossed, scowling.  I was emo before emo was cool.  

I'm planning to start with a version of step 4 of the 12-steps that have helped so many of my friends in the past.  I need to complete a "searching and fearless moral inventory."  Yuck.  For me, this is looking like paying attention to when I'm trending blue and putting a name to it.  Whether it's boredom, depression, covetousness - I need to call it out and face it. 

This won't be a permanent cure for my inclination to gloom.  Without both hands firmly on the wheel (10 and 2, dammit! 10 AND 2!!) my attitude will have a tendency to pull to the left.  I'm not sure how far I will get in four weeks.  I'm going to need concentration, and a lot of help from God, to help me manage the underlying attraction.  And, like step 5, I'm going to have to admit it all to God, and, in lieu of a sponsor, I'm going to need to lean on my community, so I'm probably going to admit it all to you, too.

Now, because I can, and because I need a pick-me-up, here's a random song that makes me smile.  Oddly enough, I just realized that this is all about a change in attitude.  How about that.

The Gift of Hope

He that lives in hope dances without music. -- George Herbert

Hope is a mysterious creature.  Sometimes I'm still not sure it even exists.  When my husband was ill, initially I had a whole lot of it.  You kind of have to in that situation.  No matter what the doctors said.  No matter how short the predicted remnant of his life.  As the weeks went by, hope soared as prayers were answered with brief spates of remission.  Hope was eclipsed during periods of decline.  Then the cancer spread to his spinal column and there was no more that the doctors could do.  In hospice, there was a glimmer of hope when his appetite returned.  Then, it disappeared altogether when he could no longer respond. 

Time passed; I don't know that I really paid too much attention to hope over the years.  I guess it was always there behind the scenes, keeping me moving.  It wasn't always recognizable so I assumed it was gone.  Dormant at best.  After all, what was there to be hoped for?  Endurance.  But like a kind of optical illusion or fun house mirror, I couldn't see it even though I was looking directly at it.

It was hope that kept me getting out of bed every day.  That kept me working.  And, even though I said it was for my daughter, it was hope that eventually brought me to church; the hope of reconciliation and a fresh start. 

Nowadays, it's hope that keeps me coming back to church.  And hope that picks me up after countless disappointments.  It's the expectation of better things - on Earth, maybe; after death, certainly.

I don't know whether or not hope laughs, as Bill said in the sermon this morning, but I think it does tease. It's the elusive shadow of God dancing just near the horizon.

Every

Child

Has known God.

Not the God of names,

Not the God of don'ts,

Not the God who ever does

Anything weird,

But the God who only knows four words

And keeps repeating them, saying:

"Come dance with Me."

Come.

Dance.

Question

Today I got some more work done around the house.  Not much, but some.  Better than I thought considering that I was up until about 3:30 for work.  Plus I got to go to the bookstore; more for the eventual bookshelves.

Tonight, though, I have a lot of questions I want to ask God.  The details of which I'm not quite ready to share here.  I'm not doubting His omnipotence, or anything like that.  Certainly He's going to do what He's going to do. 

I just want to know why some things happen or don't happen. 

I just want to know how long is long enough. 

I just want to know how I'm supposed to believe that He can hear one single person in such a crowded world.

Is it wrong to question God?  Is He mad that I do?  

Knowledge, not faith.  That's what I'm looking for.  Probably not the best mindset to have going into Advent.

Little Lent

I like Advent.  I remember how, when I was a kid, our church had an Advent Workshop each year.  We would spend a Saturday moving from room to room in the church - each one filled with the supplies needed to make different Christmas items:  ornaments, gifts, wreaths.  There were crafts for all skill levels.  I'm pretty sure that snacks were involved as well.  I LOVED that day. 

Today I was looking for a pithy quote or graphic to decorate this post that had something to do with Advent.  I started reading some of the text that went along with the pictures I was considering, and learned some new stuff about it.

I didn't realize that Eastern Orthodox and Eastern Catholic churches observe an Advent fast:  Philip's Fast (after the apostle, but only because it starts the day after his feast day).  Philip's Fast lasts from November 15 up to Christmas Eve.  Just as we observe a period of anticipation and penitence before Easter, some also observe the 40 days prior to Christmas.  As a time to reflect, to prepare our souls to be worthy of Jesus' first coming; it's a Little Lent.  Even the vestments and paraments for the seasons share the color purple.

I like the connections.  Lent is a very important season for me.  It's sort of the spiritual center of my year; one where I really get into daily devotions and reflection.  Not that I have to have something official to have that focus or that I can only practice this in the Spring, it's good to have a built in reminder at Advent that i need to take the time and be deliberate about my sacred time.  

Like we wait until Easter Sunday to sing 'Christ the Lord Has Risen Today', perhaps we should wait until Christmas Day to sing 'Joy to the World'.  Rather than try and rush through Advent to get to the "good stuff," maybe we could savor the waiting and pay more attention to the Advent readings, hymns and traditions.  

Just a thought.

Nun komm, der Heiden Heiland,

Der Jungfrauen Kind erkannt!

Dass sich wundre alle Welt,

Gott solch' Geburt ihm bestellt.

Now come, Saviour of the gentiles,

recognised as the child of the Virgin,

so that all the world is amazed

God ordained such a birth for him.

Contentment

Shoot!  It's 11:00 and I haven't posted today.  I had a long day at work and earlier this evening I had the chance to help out a friend.  But after I got home from that, I sat down with my salad and started reading instead of working on this.  And now it's late, so I'm going to cheat a little today and share with you one of the things I read tonight.  It actually is pretty fitting, considering my quest.  It reminds me of Genesis 2, and how God gives humankind everything it needs.  And it makes me think how sad it is to not see that it's enough.

I promise a real post tomorrow.  For sure.

A great teacher once told a story in his preaching about a man who for eight years besought God to show him a man who would make known to him the way of truth.  While he was in this state of anxiety there came a voice from God and spake to him:  "Go in front of the church, and there shalt thou find a man who will make known to thee the way of truth."

He went, and found a poor man whose feet were chapped and full of dirt, and all his clothes were hardly worth twopence-halfpenny.  He greeted this poor man and said to him, "God give thee a good morning."  The poor man answered, "I never had a bad morning."  The other said, "God give thee happiness. How answerest thou that?"  The poor man answered, "I was never unhappy."  The first then said, "God send thee blessedness. How answerest thou that?"  :I was never unblessed," was the answer.  Lastly the questioner said, "God give thee health!  Now enlighten me, for I cannot understand it."  And the poor man replied, "When thou saidst to me, may God give thee a good morning, I said I never had a bad morning. If I am hungry, I praise God for it; if I am cold, I praise God for it; if I am distressful and despised, I praise God for it; and that is why I never had a bad morning. When thou askedst God to give me happiness, I answered that I had never been unhappy; for what God gives or ordains for me, whether it be His love or suffering, sour or sweet, I take it all from God as being the best, and that is why I was never unhappy. Thou saidst further, May God make thee blessed, and I said, I was never unblessed, for I have given up my will so entirely to God's will, that what God wills, that I also will, and that is why I was never unblessed, because I willed alone God's will."

"Ah! dear fellow," replied the man; "but if God should will to throw thee into hell, what wouldst thou say then?"  He replied, "Throw me into hell! Then I would resist Him.  But even if He threw me into hell, I should still have two arms wherewith to embrace Him.  One arm is true humility, which I should place under Him, and with the arm of love I should embrace Him."  And he concluded, "I would rather be in hell and possess God, than in the kingdom of heaven without Him."

Ordinary Talents

I am not in the mood for time or treasure today (don't ask) so I decided to try something talent-y.  I thought, "Let me try one of those Spiritual Gift questionnaires."  That way I can cut to the chase on the talent stewardship goal, right?  The sooner I know my natural ability and capability, the sooner I can get to work and cross it off of my list.  Done and done.  Here we go.

Test #1:  Administration.  Yuck.

Test #2:  Administration.  Srsly?

Test #3:  Administration.  Now you're just messing with me.

Alright, maybe administration means something different 'spiritually'.  Let me take a look at the definitions...

"The special ability that God gives to certain members of the body of Christ to understand clearly the immediate and long-range goals of a particular unit of the body of Christ and to devise and execute effective plans for the accomplishment of those goals....characterized by people who lead the body by steering others to remain on task... concerned with the details of how to accomplish tasks..."

Hmph. Let's try that again...

"The gift of administration is the God-given ability to give direction and make decisions on behalf of others that result in efficient operation and accomplishment of goals. Administration includes the ability to organize people, things, information, finances, etc. Often the mark of an administrator is the ability to accomplish things in a fitting and orderly way."

*sigh*  It sounds like work.   I was hoping for something more fun, like, oh, I don't know, "hospitality".  Or at least something more metaphysical, like "discerning of spirits."  At the very least something really cool and spiritual like "faith." 

And then there are the supporting scripture texts:

Discerning spirits?  Peter in the story of Ananias and Sapphira.  Exciting!

Faith?  The recounting of Abraham's faith in Romans.  Inspiring!!

Administration?   “Suppose one of you wants to build a tower. Won’t you first sit down and estimate the cost to see if you have enough money to complete it? For if you lay the foundation and are not able to finish it, everyone who sees it will ridicule you, saying, ‘This person began to build and wasn’t able to finish.’"  Boring!!!

Well, it's just a quiz, right?  Maybe administration is my talent, and to the extent that it's useful to my church, awesome.  I'm blessed by whatever talent(s?) God has decided I can handle.  But I don't want to stop there. Maybe I have other gifts or talents to offer.  And maybe I don't have to know what they are right now.  I just need to try some stuff and see.  As long as I keep my eyes and ears open for opportunities, I'm sure I'll figure it out. 

But if you have any ideas, lemme know.

"Don't assume you have to be extraordinary to be used by God. You don't have to have exceptional gifts, talents, abilities, or connections. God specializes in using ordinary people whose limitations and weaknesses make them ideal showcases for His greatness and glory."  Nancy Leigh DeMoss

When I Grow Up

Today has been the kind of day that, for no apparent reason, I stop and think about what I want to be doing with my life.  Not in any kind of heavy, existential, angsty way, just more like wondering.  Could I, should I, be doing something else? Something more?  What's missing in my life's Venn?

This morning, I had the pleasure of attending a meeting of the Philadelphia Presbytery.  As opposed to last month's meeting, this one was quite sedate - but still interesting.  During the meeting two candidates presented their Statement of Motivations, and another presented his Statement of Faith.  Now, I'm not saying I have any interest in becoming a member of the clergy, and, to be honest, I wasn't particularly inspired by the Statements.  But I did feel drawn to the world behind the speeches.  To be able to go back to school and learn something besides economics or industrial management.  To be an academe immersed in all things God.  To get credit for learning about my faith.  What a wonderful world that would be.  Sure I could do the reading on my own, but what's to show for it?  I know it sounds crazy, but I miss the lectures, the papers, the debates. Talk about sacred time in a sacred place...  Perhaps it will all have to go on my bucket list.

When I was in junior high, I thought I was going to be a zoologist.  In high school, an artist.  This evening, I'm watching a Chopped marathon on the Food Network, so now I want to be a cook.

By the morning, I'll probably want to be a pony.