Salvation

I was going to get all deep today; talk about where I am and where I need to be and how I'm going to get there, but truth be told, I just couldn't think about it. 

Yesterday, I thought I'd start my big year early, by purging and cleaning my kitchen while Leah was in LBI.  I got off to a decent start and plugged away for several hours (can someone please tell me why I need 3 jars of expired Cajun seasoning?).  My intent was to hit the ground running after church this afternoon and keep on going...even though I was up too late last night doing work stuff and up too early this morning doing work stuff.   

I realized I was tired today.  At some point in the near future, I'm going to track how I spend my time - work, leisure, church, family, etc. - but, this morning?  It just felt like 90% work.  Now, don't get me wrong - I am blessed to have my job.  I think I'm pretty damn good at it.  But do I have to be good at it seven days a week?  And when I'm not at one of the offices, or on a conference call at 10:30 on a Saturday night, I'm checking my emails.  There's something wrong with this picture.  I'm pretty sure that this topic will come up again over the next 364 days, so I'm not going to get into it now, but it doesn't take me logging my hours to see that I might be out of whack here.  

So I sat in the sanctuary for the hymn sing, trying to figure out why I hadn't put on waterproof mascara (am I the only one who cries over church songs? gah).  Then it hit me hard.  Stop.  Just.  Stop.  How dare I claim to be worshipping when, mentally at least, I'm only giving God a fraction of my attention?!  I shouldn't have to sit in this pew and worry about when the next update call was or how many days I have to drive to Baltimore this week.  Frankly, it was salvation, at least for the day.  From that point on, the weight was shifted, if not lifted and I tried to focus on forcing myself to relax.  Coffee and a donut hole during the movie didn't hurt.  By the time the second service started, I felt so different.  Not in a huge way, but lighter.  And like I belonged there.  I think the weirdest part came when I was helping to serve communion - normally a somber sort of thing.  It was as if every face I saw in line was a friend and I felt like I was giving each one of them a present in the bread.  It was really kind of bizarre.  It felt like Christmas.  I tried not to, but I couldn't stop smiling.  I'm sure I must have looked like a freaking idiot.  Suffice it to say I was overcome with the Sabbath principle. 

So, after church, instead of cleaning, I took Leah to lunch and then we strolled around the craft sale at the PSU campus.  And instead of reviewing collection policies and reports, we went to our friends' house, hung out, yelled at the Eagles, and broke bread together. 

There was more than a little guilt initially about shirking my duties, but no actual remorse.  This Sabbath thing?  Rest, prayer, family and friends?  It's going to take a little getting used to.