Wishing and Hoping

I used to read a lot.  Non-fiction mostly.  Primarily philosophy and theology books.  Merton, Calvin, Kierkegaard, Anselm, Plato - that kinda stuff.  Not really the kind of texts that transition well into casual conversation.  For example, last year, Leah and I were on one of our trips with the single parent travel group.  Leah ran around with her newly-made friends and I sat in the lobby with Calvin's Institutes.  Not once did anyone come up to me wanting to talk about predestination.  What the heck!  I mean, it was abridged so it didn't even look that scary. 

You see, for a long time I'd been trying to "find" God.   Then I saw people at my new (at the time) church who looked like they really had it going on.  Especially the pastoral staff.  Yes, I know they went to school for it, but still, I thought that this knowledge would be something at least partially obtainable.  Logically, I thought, the more I read and knew, the closer I would be to God and the better my life would be.   Sometimes I would read 3/4 of a book and put it down for another because I wasn't seeing Him in it - like suddenly He was going to knock me over the head or something.  (I also hadn't been attending church while I was married, so maybe I was trying to make up for lost time by cramming my head full of God stuff.)  But I just couldn't seem to find Him.  Through it all, I kept believing, searching and praying, and I continued to read, even without consolation from God.

Anyway, I haven't been reading as much for the last several months.  Not really sure why.  Well, no, I kind of do.  I got tired of the whole no consolation thing.  All of that reading, and what did I have to show for it?  I didn't feel any better.  In fact, in some respects, I felt worse - even more adrift.  But over the last few weeks, I feel like the part of my brain that had been getting fed is starting to atrophy.  So now that leaves me torn - to read and exercise my mind while needing to steel myself that He's probably not going to be there this time, either.

Regardless, I'm going to start reading again.  Part of my sacred time commitment.  When I was in Maryland last week, I picked up a copy of Luther's commentary on Romans (maybe I'll get a jump on the post-Advent sermon series so I don't feel like a complete idiot).   In the back of my mind I'm hoping that He's going to be there.  Just can't help myself.  This time around, as much as I wish differently, I'm prepared to go it alone.