Things That Are Bigger Than God, Part 1

Inertia

Sloth.  I thought I understood what it was until I clicked through the link on his Facebook page and took a bullet to the heart.  

“Boredom refers to a certain emptiness of soul or lack of passion; acedia refers to the sadness that comes from our unwillingness to tackle the difficulties involved in attaining something good; laziness more generally refers to the torpor and idleness of one who is not inclined to exert himself.  Sloth encompasses all these ideas and more.”

Ouch.  Nailed.  At least 2/3 of it.  No no no no  - all of it.  But in varying degrees. 

I don’t generally find myself bored in the traditional sense, but, aside from bursts of extreme frustration at work, and stressing out at home, I don’t really experience ‘passion’.  When you point it out (thank you very much), I can feel the emptiness.  Even when I get to doing things, if I make the mistake of taking a break, I often need to convince myself that it matters if I get up and keep going.  Chores, the gym, leaving the house, whatever.   Lots of times, I just give in to the blah.

As far as laziness goes, I can generally conjure plenty of energy to do things in an effort to avoid doing other, more necessary, important stuff.  I’m absolutely sure that I’m physically busier when I’m avoiding things than I would be if I were to just do it.   But, hey - as a single mom, I have a built-in excuse to take lazy “me” time.  Everyone says I should do it.  All the magazines, too.  That I need to do it.  That it will make me a better mom/woman/human.  For me it isn’t a bubble bath, or glass of wine, or meditation.  It’s zoning out in front of the quiet drone of the TV with my laptop.  Keeping my head buzzing with distractions so that I don’t have to have any real thoughts.  Many nights I do this until I pass out.  Am I actually trying to avoid engaging in something meaningful?  I’m not sure what I’m afraid will happen if I stop, but over the last 6 years, it’s become a habit.  Like having an annoying roommate that you really should kick out, but you need the extra rent money, and what the hell, he’s the devil you know.

 Ah, but the grief, the danger of acedia.  The good news is that my lack of passion and my industrious laziness keep me from looking far enough into the future (or outside of myself) to see what good things could be attained, or what role I play in that.  The bad news?  Well, from a worldly perspective, it keeps me stagnant and isolated and, eventually, I'll stop caring about myself.  But spiritually, it's damning.  I stop caring about others because I don't want to see that I need to take action.  Or I convince myself that I haven't got the time or energy.  Besides, what difference would it make?  In the guise of being overextended, I surrender my life, and the fate of others, to the bondage of sloth. 

I don't want to take that chance.  The Holy Spirit and my conscience are my weapons.  I just need to let them trouble me into getting up and moving.

"It is not anyone who says to me, 'Lord, Lord,' who will enter the kingdom of heaven, but the person who does the will of my Father in heaven.  When the day comes many will say to me, 'Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in your name, drive out demons in your name, work many miracles in your name?'  Then I shall tell them to their faces:  I have never known you; away from me all evildoers!"